The funny side of having an allotment

All contributions (possibly) gratefully received.

I used to go out with a girl called Fern. I had high hopes for the relationship, but it turned out she just wanted to be good fronds.

The real meanings of those gardening terms:

buttercup - half a bra for a bottom
courgette - "wow, look at that plane"
parsnip - no more children for dad
hoe - a bored Father Christmas
cabbage - when is that taxi going to turn up?
pumpkin - members of the Pump family
strawberry - a summer boater
tomatoes - how far down my body it goes
cauliflower - a garland for a dog
raking - Louis XIV
water butt - ooh, look at Kim Kardashian
yew - who, me?
allotment - little said, much intended
butternut squash - instruction to postie regarding fragile package

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Things you should read (or perhaps hear) - weed 'em and reap:

A Rake's Progress - William Hogarth
A Kale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
Mulch Ado About Nothing - William Shakespeare
Leek Back in Anger - John Osborne
Grape Expectations - Charles Dickens
The Road to Wigan Pieris – George Orwell
War and Peas – Leo Tolstoy
Trowel by Jury – Gilbert and Sullivan
Withering Blights – Emily Bronte
The Catcher in the Rye Grass – J. D. Salinger
Carrots I Lost – John Milton
Bored of the Flies – William Golding
Women in Lovage – D H Lawrence
Westward Hoe – Charles Kingsley
A Brief History of Thyme – Stephen Hawking

What do you call a snooty allotment holder?
A haughtyculturalist.

Courtesy of EDWARD'S GARDEN CENTER, Forty Fort, PA

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A man walks into the doctor's surgery with a carrot in one ear, a parsnip in the other, and broad beans up his nose.
"Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
"You need to start eating more sensibly."

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

What do you call a man who used to like tractors, but doesn't any more?
An extractor fan
Mark T

A toddler was found chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply.

A man goes to see his doctor with a strawberry sticking out of his bottom. The doctor has a look and says, "You're in luck. I have some cream for that."

I went to the allotment yesterday and some of my soil had gone. I went again today and even more had gone - I think I must be losing the plot.

That's odd. I went to the allotment today and there was more soil on my plot than the day before - the plot thickens.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a squash by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.

New gardeners learn by trowel and error.

A man goes to see his doctor with a piece of lettuce stuck out of his bottom. The doctor has a look and says, "I'm afraid that is just the tip of the iceberg."

Social Links

Registered address

The Vinery Road Permanent Allotment Society
92 Coleridge Road

The Vinery Road Permanent Allotment Society manages two well-run, community-spirited allotment sites in South Cambridge, UK.
They are situated in the Romsey Town area and offer good growing conditions and excellent facilities.