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I used to go out with a girl called Fern. I had high hopes for the relationship, but it turned out she just wanted to be good fronds.
The real meanings of those gardening terms:
courgette - "wow, look at that plane"
parsnip - no more children for dad
hoe - a bored Father Christmas
cabbage - when is that taxi going to turn up?
pumpkin - members of the Pump family
strawberry - a summer boater
tomatoes - how far down my body it goes
cauliflower - a garland for a dog
raking - Louis XIV
water butt - ooh, look at Kim Kardashian
yew - who, me?
allotment - little said, much intended
butternut squash - instruction to postie regarding fragile package
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Things you should read (or perhaps hear) - weed 'em and reap:
A Rake's Progress - William Hogarth
A Kale of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
Mulch Ado About Nothing - William Shakespeare
Leek Back in Anger - John Osborne
Grape Expectations - Charles Dickens
The Road to Wigan Pieris – George Orwell
War and Peas – Leo Tolstoy
Trowel by Jury – Gilbert and Sullivan
Withering Blights – Emily Bronte
The Catcher in the Rye Grass – J. D. Salinger
Carrots I Lost – John Milton
Bored of the Flies – William Golding
Women in Lovage – D H Lawrence
Westward Hoe – Charles Kingsley
A Brief History of Thyme – Stephen Hawking
What do you call a snooty allotment holder?
Courtesy of EDWARD'S GARDEN CENTER, Forty Fort, PA
A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
A man walks into the doctor's surgery with a carrot in one ear, a parsnip in the other, and broad beans up his nose.
"Doctor, what's wrong with me?"
"You need to start eating more sensibly."
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
What do you call a man who used to like tractors, but doesn't any more?
An extractor fan
A toddler was found chewing on a slug. After the initial surge of disgust the parent said,
"Well . . . What does it taste like?"
"Worms," was the reply.
A man goes to see his doctor with a strawberry sticking out of his bottom. The doctor has a look and says, "You're in luck. I have some cream for that."
I went to the allotment yesterday and some of my soil had gone. I went again today and even more had gone - I think I must be losing the plot.
That's odd. I went to the allotment today and there was more soil on my plot than the day before - the plot thickens.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a squash by its diameter?
New gardeners learn by trowel and error.
A man goes to see his doctor with a piece of lettuce stuck out of his bottom. The doctor has a look and says, "I'm afraid that is just the tip of the iceberg."
Some good ideas from Pinterest - why not put your own up there, or send them to us so we can put them on the site.